Chapter 7: Family

Chapters:

1: Beginnings, 2: Doreen, 3: Moving On, 4: War, 5: Peace, 6: A Long Encounter, 7: Family

In February 1951 I discovered I was pregnant. We were delighted because we wanted a family and at the grand old age of 32 (almost unheard of then) I didn’t want to waste time! In October 1951 our first child, Christine, was born in a nursing home in Lode Lane, Solihull, Birmingham. The nurses were not very sympathetic. There were no pre-natal clinics and we first time mothers were completely unprepared for the experience of childbirth. Christine was fortunately healthy and survived my ignorant childcare! In 1953 when my father had retired my parents decided to sell their house in Ilford and buy a bungalow at Barton-on-Sea in Hampshire. They had spent holidays with my mother’s sister who lived at new Milton near there and thought it would be a pleasant place to live. Their neighbours asked them not to sell to a Jewish family as “the Jews were taking over the area”. I daresay not many years later they were asking neighbours not to sell to “the blacks” who had arrived in Britain, as our neighbours in Birmingham were asked when they were putting up their house for sale. Prejudice against immigrants is always with us. We spent summer holidays in Barton and in Pembroke Dock, though by the time we got to child number three my mother could no longer stand a fortnight of us and rented us a house nearby – a much better arrangement for all of us. Molly and Grant Hudson remained our friends always and Molly still writes and occasionally phones. I went with her to Mothers Union meetings although never a church goer. Their children could get through a gap in our hedge and Joe who was a little older than Christine became her friend. Our neighbours the other side were a middle-aged childless couple who had a beautifully kept garden – we were invited to view it but I was not allowed to walk on the lawn because I had heels on my shoes! They had a TV – quite unusual then – and I was invited to watch the coronation in 1952. I gave a party for Christine’s birthday and invited the Hudson children. Christine cried and hid when “Happy Birthday” was sung (I don’t think she ever recovered from the experience – she has never wanted to go to parties since!). When Graham was born in 1954 Edwin’s mother came to look after Christine and Christine still remembers being told to go to sleep in her cot in the afternoon – when Nain put her hat on it was a sign she was going to have a little sleep and Christine must keep quiet. Edwin visited the nursing home to see me and to see the new arrival but went home forgetting to see the precious infant – the matron came to see me and seemed very cross – “I have never known a father not wanting to see his baby” she said crossly and I felt it was my fault! Christine was very jealous of the new arrival saying “you can take it back to the hospital – we don’t want it”! One day when I was feeding Graham and Christine was playing next door she suddenly came in bringing about half-a-dozen children in who stared at this sight. Next day Molly told me that Joe had suddenly announced at tea-time “that is a strange baby – it licks Mrs Lewis’s tummy”. Consternation on the part of Molly’s elderly mother who lived with them – she thought it shocking that I had allowed children to see such a thing! Christine and Joe used to amuse Graham in his pram in the garden (Molly taught me that the only way to get peace and get on with work was to put baby in a pram and wheel it to the bottom of our long garden!). Christine and Joe one day fed worms to Graham but he survived and I didn’t realise what was going on.
		In 1955 Edwin’s mother was not too well – she had her handicapped younger sister to look after, and her elder sister who had never married and provided most of the income had died. Edwin saw a job advertised for a head of the engineering department in Swansea and applied for it to be nearer his mother. He was successful and in 1955 we moved to Swansea to a house in Killay on the Gower road, so we were only a few miles from the beautiful coast. I and the children loved living there – we could go down to the beach which was empty except in holiday times. In 1956 our third child, Jeffrey, was born at home. The children went to Dunvant primary school – run on old fashioned lines but I am sure giving a very good education in the “3 R’s” as they were called.
When we arrived at Wimmerfield Crescent in Swansea we soon made friends – it was a new estate and so there were lots of families with young children. Our immediate neighbour had two girls about Christine’s age. Sadly their mother was blind – she managed pretty well but occasionally I had to help if the children had hurt themselves. We became close friends with a couple – the Daniels – Madge and Ced and their children Lawrence, Joanna and Shona, almost the same ages as ours. Ced was a lecturer at Swansea University. It was probably one of the happiest times of the children’s lives – lots of friends to play with and of course trips to the beach and the beautiful Gower. We joined the Gower Society and took the children on some of their walks – Jeffrey was a wonderful little walker at the age of three and became a sort of mascot of the society. Graham never enjoyed walks – he was not an active child – more of a thinker and given to asking questions to which I rarely knew the answer or quite how to reply saying feebly ‘ask Daddy when he comes home’! When he was only about 2 or 3 he was playing with plasticine (modelling clay) and he had a collection of small lumps set out which he announced were “babies” and he was God making them! Edwin never enjoyed living in Swansea, as we did, because his job was not very demanding – he started looking for a better one and became Head of Engineering at Walsall. This journey to the Midlands, where we had bought a house at Sutton Coldfield, was a tearful one. We lived there for 3 ½ years but were never so happy there as in Swansea. The only good point about it was the education – excellent schools and the chance to get a place at the prestigious King Edward schools in Birmingham. Christine gained a place at the Sutton Girls High School which also had very high standards. When Graham was 11 he tried for a place at the King Edward but did not get in. He had a place at the Bishop Vesey Grammar school in Sutton which was also of a very good standard. At Sutton we had a large park nearby but rarely went there (note from Graham – poor Mother, we never told her that was where my mate Henry and I spent most holidays, cycling along the main road to get there!).
			The school was modern and seemed very good but Christine never liked it as much as Dunvant. She made friends with a girl her age in our road and they both went to Sutton High when they were 11 and when Catherine was born (in a snowstorm, as was Graham) I was persuaded to give her friend’s name ‘Gaye’ to the new arrival. Fortunately we gave it as a second name as we didn’t know till later the use of the term ‘gay’ for homosexuals. Christine came home one day saying Gaye’s mother was always lying on the settee eating chocolate or having a drink when they arrived home from school and why didn’t I do that!
Soon however Edwin applied for and got the Principal’s job at the Stoke-on-Trent Technical College – a regional college therefore quite large and the salary was good. So we started house hunting. I admit I was a bit shocked when Edwin drove me round Stoke. However he assured me there were pleasant places to live not too far away. After some weeks of house hunting we had to make a quick decision as the beginning of term was close and so we bought a house in Stone – not that we fell in love with it. Edwin assured me we were only buying it as a base while we looked for something better but we spent 36 happy years there! Our Sutton neighbours had moved to Sutton from Trentham and when Edwin got the post at Stoke-on-Trent they thought we must be mad to think of moving there, saying the schools in that part of the world were nowhere as good as in Sutton, which was true. However I think we were all happier in Stone. Christine and Graham started at Alleynes which was a grammar school and a very old foundation. We soon discovered it was not of the high standard of the Sutton school but the children were happy there until when Christine was sixteen the Education Authority amalgamated it with the secondary modern school. The first years of the amalgamated schools did not work well – it was really still two schools on the same site – two headmasters and two staff each with their own agenda. Then came another change. Primary schools finished at 9 and pupils went to a “middle school” until 13 and then to secondary. Edwin complained of the same sort of thing at his level. The Government or local Education Authority were always coming up with supposedly bright ideas so the poor staff and pupils hardly had time to settle to one idea before yet another change – and it is still going on! When we moved to Stone it was still a small market town with a High Street full of small shops. I could place an order for groceries or greengroceries by phone or taking in a list and not very long afterwards the goods would be delivered – so much easier than the present day system of driving to a supermarket and having to load a trolley, queue at a check-out and find the car in the car park and load the goods into the car – even worse if one has to take small children, strapping them in the car and walking them round the store and strapping them in again. I think my generation of mothers had it easier, especially as most of us were not expected to go to work to add to the family income to buy all the goodies everyone seems to expect these days. Looking after the children and keeping a good home was deemed an honourable occupation.
	It was more like living in Swansea than it was in Sutton. The people in Stone and in the Potteries seemed more friendly, as they were in Swansea, compared with the two parts of Birmingham we lived in. In 1981, when Edwin was 58, he retired as Deputy Director of the Polytechnic (as it had then become) and we spent several happy years travelling in Europe. Christine tried the exam for a place at an Oxford college but did not get a place. She had interviews at several colleges and finally decided on Bristol. She had a place in hall at Clifton and was fortunate enough to stay there throughout her three years there. She soon acquired friends, including a boy-friend which did not last. But several of her girl friends are still in touch.
Graham seemed to settle at Alleynes but when it was amalgamated with the secondary modern he one day asked if it was possible to go to a boarding school. However he was 14 so too old to take an entrance exam. Also we could not afford to privately educate four children. I felt we might manage to send the boys if they could win scholarships but Edwin maintained that the girls must have the same opportunities so they all remained in state education and all managed to obtain a place at University. Graham was a quiet and not very active child but in his teens at Alleynes he seemed to collect quite a number of friends. He acquired a moped (small low-powered motorbike) and I think early on decided to be an engineer. He would happily take it to pieces and one day I found he was boiling the engine in one of my saucepans! He also left a battery on his bedroom carpet and when the carpet was vacuumed a lump of it disappeared! I complained about his dreadfully untidy bedroom and Edwin told me not to bother trying to get in to clean it – problem solved! But Edwin was not so sanguine when he suspected that Graham and his friends had helped themselves to some of his whisky in the pantry and topped it up with water. Graham studied Mechanical Engineering at Loughborough College. He then worked for Rolls Royce and later for Lucas. Jeffrey went to Christchurch Primary School (a church school). He was not happy there, although he did not complain at the time. I learnt later that there was a male teacher who was particularly unkind, especially to the boys and would grab them by their hair and bang their head on the desk – imagine anything like that happening today. Jeffrey passed the dreaded “11 plus” and joined his sister and brother at Alleynes. After 2 years there he, like Graham, decided he would like to go to boarding school and I sent for details of scholarships at two schools – Shrewsbury and Fettes (if he’d gone there he could have been a contemporary of Tony Blair!). Although Jeff had not been studying Latin long enough to satisfy the requirements I had a letter from the headmaster of one school saying that they would like to interview him. On being told that Jeff took fright and said he had decided after all that he did not want to go. Jeff, like Christine, was more active than our other two children. He climbed trees, as did Christine, went walking and played football, and later in life tried climbing (which he quickly decided he did not want to pursue) and lastly free-fall parachuting, which he enjoyed right into his forties, winning a bronze medal in a competition in America. Jeffrey studied Maths and Economics at Birmingham University. He did not enjoy the economics part of the course and should have told us and perhaps changed to another course, but he struggled on and finally failed to get his degree. However he quickly got a job with Barclays Bank and then into the computer games industry and some years later was offered a job in Japan. He met and married a Japanese girl and they had two boys. Bass, for whom he worked, decided to sell all their leisure businesses and so he lost his job and had to return to England where he worked for Sony in London. So far all my grandchildren have attended grammar schools, with the exception of Rebecca who would easily have done so but Stoke-on-Trent, where she lives, does not have any – in fact I do not think there are any state grammar schools in Staffordshire. My granddaughters – Sarah, Rachel, Bethany and Rebecca have all attended University so I have great hopes for the younger grandchildren. Catherine was born 6 years after Jeffrey and so was almost like an only child in her first few years. She, like Graham, was not an active child. She was a typical little girl in a love of dolls and their clothes. She had several little friends who happily played ‘mothers’ in our garden. I took her to a playschool when she was four but she clung to me and cried so much we never went again. She cried too when I took her to school the first day and I felt awful as I walked away, but she soon settled and seemed happy – unlike Jeffrey when he started, he cried and fought to get away for the first few weeks. She also went to Christchurch school and then to Alleynes. She gained a place at University College London, to read for a degree in speech-therapy. When Catherine was 18 she had a wonderful party – a fancy-dress party and there were some amazing costumes. Christine had had a 21st party (the age of reaching adulthood then, which changed to 18 by Graham’s time). Graham celebrated reaching 18 by becoming engaged to his girlfriend, Marilyn, also a pupil at Alleynes, and when 21 celebrated with an evening meal at the Crown Hotel with his and Marilyn’s parents.
Graham married Marilyn in 1974 and they lived in Derby for about 2 years where their eldest child, Sarah, was born. 18 months later Rachel arrived then, 2 years later, David and lastly after another 2 years, Bethany. Sarah now has three girls, Alys, Madeleine and Genevieve. Christine married Arnot in 1977 – he lived a few doors away from us. They bought a house in Stone, where in their only child, Rebecca was born in 1986. She is now at university. Catherine married Paul who had been in the sixth form in Alleynes after several years at boarding school. They bought a house in Tonbridge, and then moved to Gravesend, where their three children were born. Later they moved to the West of England. Their children, Jack 16, Clare 14 and Eleanor are all doing well and school and, hopefully, like their cousins will get a place at university. Jeff was a late starter at marriage – to Tomoko in 1993. Four years later they had a son, Sean, and in 2000 Eamon arrived. Both boys have dual nationality until they are 20 when under Japanese law they will have to decide. They now live in Surrey and Sean has just won a place at a grammar school there. My darling husband died in February 2002 and life is not so wonderful since then. But I am fortunate in having the love and care for me of my children, with special mention of Christine who because she lives close to me has the job of looking after me. So far I have managed to stay in my house in The Avenue (with good neighbours who keep an eye on me and with Christine’s help) and so far I manage to get to Kent once or twice a year for a visit and I can see Jeff and family and Cathy has me to stay in Ross. I also have two good friends in Stone, Sheila and Jean, so I am a very fortunate person. I celebrated my 90th birthday with a family party at my house – we had caterers in to feed all 22 of us. The following day we entertained friends and neighbours to drinks and snacks – the room was so crowded it was difficult to circulate! The next day – my birthday – Christine and Rebecca took me to Dovedale and we went for a short walk to the Stepping Stones. It was very cold, snowing, and windy so we didn’t want to walk too far. Christine and Rebecca had to hold on to me.

My health is not so good these days but Christine does a wonderful job of helping me – taking me shopping and to the doctor’s etc. And I still have lunch with my two good friends.

Vera died on 16th September 2008 at the Douglas Macmillan Hospice where she had received devoted care from all the staff during the last weeks of her life. We cannot thank them enough for their kindness. You can send a donation directly to them. www.dmhospice.org.uk

If you would like a book of this text please mail grahamATbredhurstchurch.org.uk. (replace AT by @)
It is free to the hospice staff or a minimum £10 donation to the hospice plus £! Postage for anyone else!

Chapters:

1: Beginnings, 2: Doreen, 3: Moving On, 4: War, 5: Peace, 6: A Long Encounter, 7: Family