|
Graham’s
Wedding Check List: Some questions
and information for you |
This is a document I put together to help couples planning their
wedding service.
If it looks daunting, Don’t Panic – it is really very easy and we can guide you
when we meet before the service.
A word of warning: we are bound by oath (honestly) to perform
services in accordance with Canon law (church law that is laid down by
Parliament) so we may have to refuse some requests for amendments to the
standard service.
Also, some of us prefer to do things in a slightly different order
so discuss everything thoroughly with the Minister doing your wedding before
printing your service sheets.
For a printer friendly (= less paper) version, click here..
Date: Time: Church:
Groom: Bride: Minister:
Why do you want to do this? (I ask this question
simply to try to make the service right for you; there is no ‘correct’ answer).
The Order of Service – you need to check this with the
Minister. Some of them use slight
variations
Bridal procession, Introduction, The Welcome, Hymn, Preface, The
Declarations,
The Collect, Bible Reading(s), Sermon, Hymn
The ‘Giving Away’ The Vows, The Giving of Rings, The Proclamation,
The Blessing of the Marriage,
Hymn, Registration of the Marriage (not for marriage blessings),
Prayers, The Dismissal, Procession
We sometimes move the registration to just before the Procession –
it can make the choreography easier.
You can find the whole of the modern service on www.cofe.anglican.org/commonworship. I don’t think any of us use it all.
Very approximately, how many guests will attend the
church service?
(St Peter’s & All Saint’s hold 120, St Matthew’s & St Paul’s hold 200+
Except in special circumstances, where you want a very quiet ceremony, my
advice is “the more the merrier”.
If you have only a small number of guests we will need to think carefully about
the choice of hymns.)
Are you having
service sheets printed?
Click on the link to read about these. I strongly recommend that you have them. They can be simple and cheap.
Please, never print the sheets till you’ve formally agreed things with the
Minister taking the service.
Are you having pew-end decorations?
These are not provided as part of the standard flowers package. If you want them you will need to arrange to
have them put in place before your service (and after any preceding service
unless they happen to be white which will go with most weddings). Also we may want them taking away
immediately afterwards if they might clash with the next wedding’s colours.
Are you having Ushers?
We will provide a Verger, who will deal with most of the practical things.
The Ushers’ duties at St Peter’s are (please tell them!):
To hand out service sheets (or you can put these on the pews if
you prefer)
To hand out button-holes if you have them (and to clear away the boxes
afterwards)
To guide people to their places, (are you having Bride on the left, Groom on
the right?)
Parents with babies
will prefer to sit near the back.
To assist wheelchair
users or others needing assistance.
Wheelchairs can go at the back of the aisle
(excellent view) or at the front. Ask the person which they prefer. Wheelchair users may need you to
move their car from the parking area
opposite the church.
If you have anyone who
is claustrophobic, tell the Ushers so they can keep a space free near the door.
If you have a lot of
guests, get them to keep an eye open for odd spaces to fit people in.
Also, if there are less
than 70 of you, get them to stop people sitting at the back or you will process
out to an empty church.
To usher late-comers in at an appropriate moment (the Verger will assist with
this but a friendly face is better).
To know where the loo key is (the verger has it) and where the loo is (in the
New Churchyard)
To ush anyone who is “tired and emotional” (it does happen even though the
staff at the Bell are usually careful)
To ensure that the Verger dings the bells after the service, if you want them.
For a big wedding it is also very useful to have two car park attendants –
one at the end of the lane to guide people down and stop them clogging the village
streets,
one in the car park, getting them to park sensibly (close together in a
herringbone fashion allows three rows of cars).
Are there any awkward family situations I ought to know
about?
Apart from stopping me saying something unbelievably crass, we may need to
think about who sits where; who accompanies the bride up the aisle, who
witnesses the Registers and the final procession.
Be assured that nothing you tell us will be a shock – TV soaps have nothing on
real life.
But, remember that this is your day and that family squabbles must not be
allowed to dictate what happens.
What will you be wearing? (Whisper it to me if he
doesn’t know yet)
This will affect where I sit you, etc.
Also, do take a look at the font and back pew at St Peter’s – Mega
Meringues may get stuck.
How many bridesmaids? Ages? Page Boys? Ages?
This will help us work out the seating and also who can help in the service –
youngsters can be very useful service book holders.
If you have very young attendants think about what they will do during the
service. If they are your own children
you may want them to stand with you or with the Minister.
Will the Groom have a Best Man?
The Best Man’s role in the Church
is:
To hold the rings and hand them to the Minister at the appropriate point in the
service. (If you have no Best Man then
this can be done by a Bridesmaid or the rings can be given to the Minister
before the ceremony).
To support the Groom – they do get nervous so we rely on the Best Man to get
him to his place when the Bride enters.
To assist the Bride and Groom by, as an example, holding their service sheets
for them if there are no youngsters for this.
To shepherd the Bridesmaids and Parents or other witnesses to the Registration
in the Vestry
To control the exit of the congregation so that the photographer is able to
take pictures at the door.
Are you having the choir? (The choir can process up
the aisle before you)
The Procession:
The traditional form is:
Groom and Best Man wait at front of church.
Congregation are in their places.
Bride processes up aisle with Father (or other supporter) following Minister
and Choir
and accompanied by her Bridesmaids and Page Boys.
An alternative that as been used is actually ancient in
origin. It might be useful if you have
no close family, for second marriages where you are no longer spring chickens
and for wedding blessings, either after a civil ceremony or an anniversary do.
Bride and Groom come into the church together, followed by Bridesmaids, etc.
(and the congregation if you prefer).
Have you decided on music?
Peter our organist is a good source of advice.
Do talk to him as he knows what works and what you’ll wish you hadn’t
done…….
We would usually have:
Two hymns:
One right at the
beginning to settle you down
One just before the
prayers (we lead you up to the altar during the last verse).
We can also put a third
in between the reading and the marriage
Two processional pieces – one to come in to and one to go out to.
A word or two of caution here –
1)
There’s a reason why the traditional pieces are popular! Other music may sound lovely at home but can
be insipid when played in church.
2)
CDs don’t work for the same reason, unless you plan on bringing a mega sound
system (which will not make you very popular).
3) St Peter’s is small so there’s not much point in having
additional pieces before or after. If
you put in an extra before (the organist will play some gentle pieces while
we’re waiting) you risk having everyone standing up while the bride is still
having her picture taken at the door.
If you put in something after you’ve gone out then only the person tidying up
afterwards will hear it. If there’s
something quieter you particularly want then have it during the signing of the
Registers.
So,
after all that, I suggest you go for something strong and sedate to come into
and something triumphal to go out to.
Music during the signing of the registers
My warning about CD players applies equally here. Peter can do most things on the organ, which has the oomph to
fill the church.
Go to the Resources page for links to
hymns, processional music, etc.
See Peter, our organist, after a service and he will play you a selection of
pieces if you’re not sure what you want.
It is OK to have more or fewer hymns or to have a singer instead of hymns
(ideally a Christian song – we reserve the right to say no).
For a small wedding you may choose not to have hymns at all (you really don’t
want to listen to the Minister singing solo).
Does the bride want to be 'given away'?
(This is not in the modern service but some Ministers will include it)
The traditional Giving Away is a simple ceremony – the Minister asks, “Who
gives this woman to be married?” The
Bride’s Father (or Uncle, etc.) takes the brides’ right hand and gives it to
the Minister who then gives it to the Groom.
There are no words spoken.
The symbolism is of the Father giving his daughter to God who then gives her to
the Groom.
Have you chosen a Bible reading?
You must have at least one Bible reading; we cannot
accept other readings at this stage in the service.
I enclose a selection of the more popular ones.
The Resources page has a link to on-line bible
passages if you want to look up the other ones on our wedding booklet.
Please do NOT use American web site suggestions of “readings
suitable for a religious ceremony” – most of them are anything but.
That said, the Minister may agree to your having a poem or other
non-Bible reading during the service.
Please be careful with these – some of them jar badly when read in our
traditional old church in the middle of what is a quite traditional ceremony. Look here for suggestions
for places where you can put these – but always ask the Minister first
before you set your heart on something.
The more common ones are often best done before the Prayers. We would usually suggest that someone other
than the Minister does such Readings.
Who do you want to do the Bible Reading?
Bridesmaids, friends, Best Man,
Relatives?
The minister will of course be happy to do it, but this is a good way of
rewarding a favourite Aunt or Uncle.
Do you want to
learn your vows?
This is the bit beginning “I N
take you N to be my…” and you
can also do the Rings bit: “I give you this ring …..” if you want.
Some couples like to remember these and say them to each other without the
Minister leading them.
You will need to be able to speak loudly and clearly whilst gazing into your
lover’s eyes. But, if you can do it, it
is very moving.
On the day the Minister will be ready to prompt you, or even to say the words
out loud for you, if you forget them – and no-one will notice that you didn’t
manage to remember them. Go
here to see the vows
How many rings?
The service is adaptable for Bride’s
only or for Bride and Groom to have a ring.
Make sure you know who has the ring!
Who do you
want present at the signing of the registers?
The Vestry will take up to 10 at a squeeze.
Traditional is Bride & Groom, Bridesmaids, Best Man and
Parents.
It gets complicated if you have multiple parents so think about it now.
Who do you want to witness the signing of the
registers?
You must have two witnesses.
Who? is usually decided by family situation.
If it is fairly simple then both Mums
or both Dads is normal.
Other couples have Chief Bridesmaid and Best Man
Or you can have any two people who know you and have witnessed the ceremony.
Is there anyone you would want mentioning in the
prayers?
Sometimes couples like to remember
people who have died or who are too ill to come.
We can do this by name or by putting in a short bit of silence.
Which form of the Lord’s Prayer do you prefer?
This is usually put in at the end of the Prayers – everyone says it.
The old version is the one most people know but check them out
first.
How will we arrange the Procession out?
The traditional format is Bride & Groom, Chief Bridesmaid & Best Man,
Other Bridesmaids, Mums and Dads swapped over.
But there are no rules and you may want to amend it.
Other Things to Chat About with the Minister
Photographs and videos.
We only allow one video and that has
to be on a tripod at the back of the church.
We do not allow photographs during the ceremony. It puts us off.
We do allow photographs during the registration and the final procession.
If you are using amateur photographers I strongly recommend a test run of video
and standard cameras before the day.
Payment of fees.
You are asked to pay these to the
minister at your interview or direct to the office.
Rehearsal date.
Sometime near to the wedding you
need to do a rehearsal. You will agree
this with the Minister at your discussion.
On the day you will be “safe in our hands” so the only purpose of the rehearsal
for you is to become familiar with the service and where you will be – you do
not need to remember anything.
The rehearsal is very useful to the Minister if you are doing anything out of
the ordinary – getting the choreography right can be important.
The rehearsal is also useful to all the “extras” who the Minister may not have
time to control on the day.
I suggest you get the following to turn up if you can (in order of
importance):
Bride & Groom (titter not, I have known an absent Groom who
sent a friend along)
Father of the Bride (or other supporter)
Anyone else taking part in the service (Readings, Prayers, Singing, holding my
service book, etc.)
Chief Bridesmaid (especially if you have a long train on your dress)
Best Man
Amateur photographer if one, (in which case we should try to do the rehearsal
at the same time of day as the wedding)
Bridesmaids & Page-Boys
Ushers
Other parents of Bride & Groom (useful for working out seating)
Other witnesses
Car Park attendants
And a space for things I’ve forgotten
The vows you are about to take are to be made in the presence of
God, who is judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts; therefore if
either of you knows a reason why you may not lawfully marry, you must declare
it now.
The minister says to the bridegroom
N, will you take N to be your wife? Will you love
her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be
faithful to her as long as you both shall live?
He answers I will.
The minister says to the bride
N, will you take N to be your husband? Will you love
him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be
faithful to him as long as you both shall live?
She answers I will.
The minister says to the congregation
Will you,
the families and friends of N and N, support and uphold them in
their marriage now and in the years to come?
All: We will.
I, N, take you, N, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this
day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in
health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part; according to God’s holy
law. In the presence of God I make this vow.
They loose hands. The bride takes the bridegroom’s right hand in
hers, and says
I, N, take you, N, to be my husband, to have and to hold
from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in
sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part;
according to God’s holy law. In the presence of God I make this vow.
The groom places the ring on the bride’s left hand, third finger and, holding it there, says
N,
I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage. With my body I honour you, all
that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you, within the love
of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
The bride places the ring on the groom’s left hand, third finger
and, holding it there, says
N,
I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage. With my body I honour you, all that I am I give to you, and all
that I have I share with you, within the love of God, Father, Son and Holy
Spirit.
Possible Bible Readings:
Genesis 1:26-28
Then God said, ‘Let us make humankind in our image,
according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea,
and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild
animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the
earth.’
So God created humankind in his image, in the image of
God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them, and God
said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over
every living thing that moves upon the earth.’
Genesis 2
God said, "It is not good that man should be
alone. I will make a helper as a
partner for him. Now God had made
out of the earth all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He showed each one to Adam so that he could
give them names. But none of them was
good enough to be Adam's partner. So God made Adam fall into a deep sleep; and
while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs. He closed up the wound.
Then he made a woman from the rib he had taken out of Adam. He showed the woman to Adam who
shouted: "This at last is bone of
my bones and flesh of my flesh! She
shall be called woman because she was taken out of man" Because of this a man will leave his father and his
mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one.
Proverbs 31
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth
far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks
nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her
life.
She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are
strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp
does not go out at night.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands
to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for
all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can
laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on
her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does
not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband
also, and he praises her:
”Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a
woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works
bring her praise at the city gate.
Song of Solomon 2:10-13; 8:6,7
My beloved speaks and says to me: ‘Arise, my love, my
fair one, and come away; for now the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come, and the voice of
the turtle dove is heard in our land. The fig tree puts forth its figs, and the
vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance. Arise, my love, my fair one,
and come away.’ Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your
arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave. Its flashes are
flashes of fire, a raging flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can
floods drown it. If one offered for love all the wealth of one’s house, it
would be utterly scorned.
Tobit 8:4-8
When the parents had gone out and shut the door of the
room, Tobias got out of bed and said to Sarah, ‘Sister, get up, and let us pray
and implore our Lord that he grant us mercy and safety.’ So she got up, and
they began to pray and implore that they might be kept safe. Tobias began by
saying, ‘Blessed are you, O God of our ancestors, and blessed is your name in
all generations for ever. Let the heavens and the whole creation bless you for
ever. You made Adam, and for him you made his wife Eve as a helper and support.
From the two of them the human race has sprung. You said, “It is not good that
the man should be alone; let us make a helper for him like himself.” I
now am taking this kinswoman of mine, not because of lust, but with sincerity.
Grant that she and I may find mercy and that we may grow old together.’ And
they both said, ‘Amen, amen.’
1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels,
but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have
prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have
all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I
give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast,
but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or
boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not
irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the
truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all
things.
Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come
to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to
an end. For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; but when the
complete comes, the partial will come to an end. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways.
For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I
know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And
now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is
love.
Matthew 5:1-10
When Jesus saw the crowds, he went up the mountain;
and after he sat down, his disciples came to him. Then he began to speak, and
taught them, saying:
‘Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the
kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be
comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for
righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called
children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for
righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.’
John 15:9-17
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now
remain in my love.
If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love,
just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love.
I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and
that your joy may be complete.
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved
you.
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down
his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does
not know his master's business.
Instead, I have called you friends, for everything
that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed
you to go and bear fruit-fruit that will last.
Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my
name. This is my command: Love each other.
Ephesians 5:21-31
Submit to one another out of
reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to
your husbands as to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church,
his body, of which he is the Saviour.
Now as the church submits to Christ,
so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up
for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the
word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or
wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He
who loves his wife loves himself.
After all, no one ever hated his own
body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church -- for we
are members of his body.
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his
wife, and the two will become one flesh."
Or
any other Bible reading you like and can persuade us to accept.
I
strongly recommend that you have some form of sheet.
I
can provide a simple sheet with the minimum of words for the congregation who
will then also need a hymn book.
Please,
please, please, do not print your service sheets until you’ve cleared them with
the minister.
Service
sheets do not need to be elaborate. The
cheapest option is to use photocopied sheets, (I can arrange this for you for a
very low charge using the church copy printer). You may want to use light card and most copiers can cope with
this.
At
a minimum the service sheet needs to have:
An order of service
The Lord’s prayer
The words of the hymns
If you are using it, the congregation’s
declaration
This
will usually occupy two sides of a sheet of A4. Other pieces can be added as you wish – the full service would
take up a mini booklet though some couples like to have this as a memento.
If
you would like copies of the text files please ask me; I can provide them on
disk, by e-mail or on paper. I have
some hymns on file; you will have to borrow a hymn book and type the others out
yourself – if you do I’d appreciate a copy of the file so I can add to my
library. We do have a copyright license
– if you are using a modern hymn please check with me and I will tell you what
you need to put on the sheet.
A
typical service sheet follows:
Typical
Order of Service
We stand for:
The Bridal Procession
Introduction
The Welcome
Hymn: Love divine
Preface
The Declarations
The Commission
Reading: 1 Corinthians 13
Talk
The Marriage
The Vows
The Giving of Rings
The Proclamation
The Blessing of the Marriage
Hymn: Father, hear the prayer we offer
The Registration of the Marriage
Registration
Prayers
Blessing of the congregation
The Wedding Procession
At the Welcome,
the Minister says:
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love
of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you
All and also with you.
Love Divine
|
1. Joy of heaven to earth
come down, Fix in us thy humble
dwelling, All thy faithful mercies
crown. |
2. Pure unbounded love thou
art; Visit us with thy
salvation, Enter every trembling
heart. |
|
3. Finish then thy new
creation: Pure and spotless let us
be; Let us see thy great
salvation, Perfectly restored in
thee. |
4. Changed from glory into
glory, Till in heaven we take
our place, Till we cast our crowns
before thee, Lost in wonder, love, and
praise. |
Father, Hear the Prayer We Offer:
|
1. Father, hear the prayer
we offer: Not for ease that prayer
shall be, But for strength that we
may ever Live our lives
courageously. |
2. Not for ever in green pastures Do we ask our way to be; But the steep and rugged pathway May we tread rejoicingly. |
|
3. Be
our strength in hours of weakness In
our wanderings be our guide; Through
endeavour, failure, danger, Father,
be thou at our side. |
|
At the end of the prayers, we say the Lord’s
prayer:
All Our
Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done;
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
the power and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.
You might want to add these notes to an order of service:
Notes:
Please make sure your car is
locked and that all bags, etc. are out of sight.
A toilet is available; please
ask the person at the door for the key.
Please do not go into the new
churchyard after the service as it is in constant use by the families of those
who are buried there. If you wish to
visit the grave of a loved one, please let the person at the door or the minister
know and they will ensure you can make your visit undisturbed.
Please, no confetti inside
the church grounds – it makes the path very slippery.
Please refrain from taking
photographs during the actual service.
Photographs as the bride and groom process out are fine.
There is no collection, but a
plate is left at the door if you would like to make a donation to the upkeep of
this beautiful church.
Possible
places for a poem or other non-Bible reading
About the bride: As the bride waits at the door
The Bridal Procession
Introduction
The Welcome
Hymn: Love divine: About marriage or love (in place of hymn)
About marriage
Preface
The Declarations
Something serious about the importance of commitment
The
Marriage
The
Vows
The
Giving of Rings
The
Proclamation
The
Blessing of the Marriage
Words of blessing (but must be consistent with
Christian blessing)
The
Commission
Reading:
1 Corinthians 13
Sermon
Hymn:
Father, hear the prayer we offer
Before the Prayers: Words of
encouragement
Prayers Prayers you have
chosen (but must be Christian)
Blessing
of the congregation
The
Registration of the Marriage A general song of love
We
stand for:
Sending out (spoken to you as you stand at the altar end of the
church before you process)
The Wedding
Procession
Traditional Form of the Lord’s Prayer
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be
thy name;
thy kingdom come; thy will be done;
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory,
for ever and ever. Amen.
Modern Form of the Lord’s Prayer
Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
Your kingdom come, your will
be done, on earth as in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours
now and for ever. Amen.