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Graham’s
Wedding Check List: |
This is a
document I put together to help couples planning their wedding service.
If it looks daunting, Don’t Panic – we can guide you when we meet before the
service.
A word of warning:
we are bound by oath (honestly) to perform services in accordance with Canon
law (church law that is laid down by Parliament) so we may have to refuse some
requests for amendments to the standard service. Also, some of us prefer to do
things in a slightly different order so discuss everything thoroughly with the
Minister doing your wedding before printing your service sheets.
Before you print this page out do a Print Preview first to make sure you’ve got
the Page Orientation correct.
Date: Time: Church:
Groom: Bride: Minister:
Why do
you want to do this? (I ask this question
simply to try to make the service right for you; there is no ‘correct’ answer).
The
Order of Service – you need to check this with the Minister. Some use slight variations
Bridal
procession, Introduction, The Welcome, Hymn, Preface, The Declarations, The
Collect, Bible Reading(s), Sermon, Hymn, The ‘Giving Away’ The Vows, The Giving
of Rings, The Proclamation, The Blessing of the Marriage, Hymn, Registration of
the Marriage (not for marriage blessings), Prayers, The Dismissal, Procession
We sometimes move
the registration to just before the Procession – it can make the choreography
easier. You can find the whole of the modern service on www.cofe.anglican.org/commonworship. I don’t think any of us use it all.
Very
approximately, how many guests will attend the church service?
(St Peter’s & All Saint’s hold 120, St Matthew’s & St Paul’s hold 200+
Except in special circumstances, where you want a very quiet ceremony, my
advice is “the more the merrier”. If
you have only a small number of guests we will need to think carefully about
the choice of hymns.)
Are you having service sheets printed?
I strongly
recommend that you have them. They can
be simple and cheap. Please, never print the sheets till you’ve formally agreed
things with the Minister taking the service.
Are you
having pew-end decorations?
These are not provided as part of the standard flowers package. If you want them you will need to arrange to
have them put in place before your service (and after any preceding service
unless they happen to be white which will go with most weddings). Also we may want them taking away
immediately afterwards if they might clash with the next wedding’s colours.
Are you
having Ushers?
We will provide a Verger, who will deal with most of the practical things.
The Ushers’ duties at St Peter’s are (please give them this page):
- To hand out
service sheets (or you can put these on the pews if you prefer)
- To hand out buttonholes if you have them (and to clear away the boxes
afterwards)
- To guide people to their places, (are you having Bride on the left, Groom on
the right?)
Parents with babies will prefer to
sit near the back.
- To assist wheelchair users or others needing assistance. Wheelchairs can go at the back of the aisle
(excellent view) or at the
front. Ask the person which they
prefer. Wheelchair users may need you
to
move their car from the parking area
opposite the church.
- If you have anyone who is claustrophobic, to keep a space free near the door.
- If you have a lot of guests, get them to keep an eye open for odd spaces to fit
people in.
- Also, if there are less than 70 of you, get them to stop people sitting at
the back or
you will process out to an empty
church.
- To usher latecomers in at an appropriate moment (the Verger will assist).
- To know where the loo key is (the verger has it) and where the loo is (in the
New Churchyard)
- To ush anyone who is “tired and emotional” (= drunk, it does happen)
- To ensure that the Verger dings the bells after the service, if you want
them.
For a big wedding it is also very useful to have two car park attendants –
one at the end of the lane to guide people down and stop them clogging the
village streets,
one in the car park, getting them to park sensibly (close together in a
herringbone fashion allows three rows of cars).
Are there
any awkward family situations I ought to know about?
Apart from stopping me saying something unbelievably crass, we may need to
think about who sits where; who accompanies the bride up the aisle, who
witnesses the Registers and the final procession. Be assured that nothing you tell us will be a shock – TV soaps
have nothing on real life. But,
remember that this is your day and that family squabbles must not take over.
What
will you be wearing? (Whisper it to me if he
doesn’t know yet)
This will affect where I sit you, etc.
Also, do take a look at the font and back pew at St Peter’s – Mega
Meringues may get stuck.
How
many bridesmaids? Ages? Page Boys? Ages?
This will help us work out the seating and also who can help in the service –
youngsters can be very useful service book holders. If you have young attendants think what they will do during the
service. If they are your own children
you may want them to stand with you or with the Minister.
Will
the Groom have a Best Man?
The
Best Man’s role in the Church is:
To hold the rings and hand them to the Minister at the appropriate point in the
service. (If you have no Best Man this
can be done by a Bridesmaid or the rings given to the Minister before the
ceremony).
To support the Groom – they do get nervous.
The Best Man gets him to his place when the Bride enters.
To assist the Bride and Groom by, as an example, holding their service sheets
for them.
To shepherd the Bridesmaids and Parents or other witnesses to the Registration
in the Vestry
To control the exit of the congregation so the photographer is able to take
pictures at the door.
Are you
having the choir? (The choir can process up
the aisle before you)
The
Procession:
The traditional
form is:
Groom and Best Man wait at front of church.
Congregation are in their places.
Bride processes up aisle with Father (or other supporter) following Minister
and Choir
and accompanied by her Bridesmaids and Page Boys.
An alternative
that has been used is actually ancient in origin. It might be useful if you have no close family, for second
marriages where you are no longer spring chickens and for wedding blessings,
either after a civil ceremony or an anniversary do.
Bride and Groom come into the church together, followed by Bridesmaids, etc.
(and the congregation if you prefer).
Have
you decided on music?
Peter our organist is a good source of advice.
Do talk to him as he knows what works and what you’ll wish you hadn’t done…….
We would usually
have:
Two hymns:
One right at the
beginning to settle you down
One just before the
prayers (we lead you up to the altar during the last verse).
We can also put a third
in between the reading and the marriage
Two processional
pieces – one to come in to and one to go out to.
A word or two of
caution here –
1) There’s a reason why the
traditional pieces are popular! Other
music may sound lovely at home but can be insipid when played in church.
2) CDs don’t work for the same
reason, unless you plan on bringing a mega sound system (which will not make
you very popular).
3) St Peter’s is
small so there’s not much point in having additional pieces before or
after. If you put in an extra before
(the organist will play some gentle pieces while we’re waiting) you risk having
everyone standing up while the bride is still having her picture taken at the
door.
If you put in something after you’ve gone out then only the person tidying up
afterwards will hear it. If there’s
something quieter you particularly want then have it during the signing of the
Registers.
So, after all that, I suggest you go
for something strong and sedate to come into and something triumphal to go out
to.
Music during the
signing of the registers
My warning about CD players applies equally here. Peter can do most things on the organ, which has the oomph to
fill the church.
See Peter, our
organist, after a service and he will play you a selection of pieces if you’re
not sure what you want.
It is OK to have more
or fewer hymns or to have a singer instead of hymns (ideally a Christian song –
we reserve the right to say no). For a
small wedding you may choose not to have hymns at all (you really don’t want to
listen to the Minister singing solo).
Does
the bride want to be 'given away'?
(This is not in the modern service but some Ministers will include it)
The traditional Giving Away is a simple ceremony – the Minister asks, “Who
gives this woman to be married?” The
Bride’s Father (or Uncle, etc.) takes the brides’ right hand and gives it to
the Minister who then gives it to the Groom.
There are no words spoken.
The symbolism is of the Father giving his daughter to God who then gives her to
the Groom.
Have
you chosen a Bible reading?
You must have at
least one Bible reading; we cannot use other readings at this
stage in the service.
I enclose a
selection of the more popular ones.
Please do NOT use
American web site suggestions of “readings suitable for a religious ceremony” –
most of them are anything but. That
said, the Minister may agree to your having a poem or other non-Bible
reading during the service. Please be
careful with these – some of them jar badly when read in our old church in the
middle of a traditional ceremony.
Always ask the Minister first before you set your heart on
something. The more common ones are
often best done before the Prayers. We
would usually suggest that someone other than the Minister does such Readings.
Who do
you want to do the Bible Reading?
Bridesmaids,
friends, Best Man, Relatives?
The Minister will of course be happy to do it, but this is a good way of
rewarding a favourite Aunt or Uncle.
Do you want to learn your vows?
This
is the bit beginning “I N take you N to be my…” and you can also do the Rings bit: “I give
you this ring …..” if you want.
Some couples like to remember these and say them to each other without the
Minister leading them.
You will need to be able to speak loudly and clearly whilst gazing into your
lover’s eyes. But, if you can do it, it
is very moving. On the day the Minister
will be ready to prompt you, or even to say the words out loud for you, if you
forget them – and no one will notice that you didn’t manage to remember them.
How
many rings?
The
service is adaptable for Bride’s only or for Bride and Groom to have a
ring.
Make sure you know who has the ring!
Who do you want present at the signing of the registers?
The Vestry will take up to 10 at a squeeze.
Traditional is Bride & Groom, Bridesmaids, Best Man and
Parents. It gets complicated if you
have multiple parents so think about it now.
Who do
you want to witness the signing of the registers?
You
must have two witnesses.
Who? is usually decided by family situation.
If it is fairly simple then both Mums or both Dads is normal.
Other couples have Chief Bridesmaid and Best Man
Or you can have any two people who know you and have witnessed the ceremony.
Is
there anyone you would want mentioning in the prayers?
Sometimes
couples like to remember people who have died or who are too ill to come.
We can do this by name or by putting in a short bit of silence.
Which
form of the Lord’s Prayer do you prefer?
This is usually put in at the end of the Prayers – everyone says it.
The old version is the one most people know but check them out first.
How
will we arrange the Procession out?
The traditional format is Bride & Groom, Chief Bridesmaid & Best Man,
Other Bridesmaids, Mums and Dads swapped over.
But there are no rules and you may want to amend it.
Other
Things to Chat About with the Minister
Photographs
and videos.
We
only allow one video and that has to be on a tripod at the back of the
church.
We do not allow photographs during the ceremony. It puts us off.
We do allow photographs during the registration and the final procession.
If you are using amateur photographers I strongly recommend a test run of video
and standard cameras.
Payment
of fees.
You
are asked to pay these to the minister at your interview or direct to the
office.
Rehearsal
date.
Sometime
near to the wedding you need to do a rehearsal. You will agree this with the Minister at your discussion. On the day you will be “safe in our hands”
so the only purpose of the rehearsal for you is to become familiar with the
service and where you will be – you do not need to remember anything.
The rehearsal is very useful to the Minister if you are doing anything out of
the ordinary – getting the choreography right can be important.
The rehearsal is also useful to all the “extras” who the Minister may not have
time to control on the day.
I suggest you get
the following to turn up if you can (in order of importance):
Bride & Groom
(titter not, I have known an absent Groom who sent a friend along)
Father of the Bride (or other supporter)
Anyone else taking part in the service (Readings, Prayers, Singing, holding my
service book, etc.)
Chief Bridesmaid (especially if you have a long train on your dress)
Best Man
Amateur photographer if one, (in which case try to do the rehearsal at the same
time of day as the wedding)
Bridesmaids & Page-Boys, Ushers, Other parents of Bride & Groom (useful
for working out seating)
Other witnesses, Car Park attendants
And a
space for things I’ve forgotten
The vows you are
about to take are to be made in the presence of God, who is judge of all and
knows all the secrets of our hearts; therefore if either of you knows a reason
why you may not lawfully marry, you must declare it now.
The minister
says to the bridegroom
N,
will you take N to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour
and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you
both shall live? He answers I will.
The minister
says to the bride
N,
will you take N to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him,
honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long
as you both shall live? She answers I will.
The minister
says to the congregation
Will you,
the families and friends of N and N, support and uphold them in
their marriage now and in the years to come?
All: We will.
I, N, take you,
N, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for
worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to
cherish, till death us do part; according to God’s holy law. In the presence of
God I make this vow.
They loose
hands. The bride takes the bridegroom’s right hand in hers, and says
I,
N, take you, N, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward;
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to
love and to cherish, till death us do part; according to God’s holy law. In the
presence of God I make this vow.
The groom places
the ring on the bride’s left hand, third finger and, holding it there, says
N,
I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage. With my body I honour you, all
that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you, within the love
of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
The bride places the ring on the groom’s left hand, third finger
and, holding it there, says
N,
I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage. With my body I honour you, all that I am I give to you, and all
that I have I share with you, within the love of God, Father, Son and Holy
Spirit.
Possible
Bible Readings:
Genesis 1:26-28
Then God said, ‘Let us make
humankind in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion
over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle,
and over all the wild animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that
creeps upon the earth.’ So God created
humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he
created them. God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and
multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of
the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves
upon the earth.’
Genesis 2
God said, "It is not good that
man should be alone. I will make a
helper as a partner for him. Now God had made out of the earth all the beasts of the field and
all the birds of the air. He showed
each one to Adam so that he could give them names. But none of them was good enough to be Adam's partner. So God
made Adam fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the
man's ribs. He closed up the
wound. Then he made a woman from the
rib he had taken out of Adam. He
showed the woman to Adam who shouted:
"This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh! She shall be called woman because she was
taken out of man" Because of this a man will leave his father and his mother and be joined
to his wife, and the two will become one.
Proverbs 31
A wife of noble character who can
find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in
her and lacks nothing of value. She
brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is
profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
She opens her arms to the poor and
extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for
her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She is clothed with strength and
dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful
instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her
household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her
blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
”Many women do noble things, but you
surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is
fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Song of Solomon 2:10-13; 8:6,7
My beloved speaks and says to me:
‘Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away; for now the winter is past, the
rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has
come, and the voice of the turtle dove is heard in our land. The fig tree puts
forth its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance. Arise,
my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a
seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire, a raging flame. Many waters cannot quench
love, neither can floods drown it. If one offered for love all the wealth of
one’s house, it would be utterly scorned.
Tobit 8:4-8
When the parents had gone out and
shut the door of the room, Tobias got out of bed and said to Sarah, ‘Sister,
get up, and let us pray and implore our Lord that he grant us mercy and
safety.’ So she got up, and they began to pray and implore that they might be
kept safe. Tobias began by saying, ‘Blessed are you, O God of our ancestors,
and blessed is your name in all generations for ever. Let the heavens and the
whole creation bless you for ever. You made Adam, and for him you made his wife
Eve as a helper and support. From the two of them the human race has sprung.
You said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; let us make a helper
for him like himself.”
I now am taking this
kinswoman of mine, not because of lust, but with sincerity. Grant that she and
I may find mercy and that we may grow old together.’ And they both said, ‘Amen,
amen.’
1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of mortals
and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am
nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that
I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient; love is kind; love
is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own
way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but
rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all
things, endures all things.
Love never ends. But as for
prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for
knowledge, it will come to an end. For we know only in part, and we prophesy
only in part; but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an
end. When I was a child, I spoke like a
child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult,
I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we
will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as
I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and
the greatest of these is love.
Matthew 5:1-10
When Jesus saw the crowds, he went
up the mountain; and after he sat down, his disciples came to him. Then he
began to speak, and taught them, saying:
‘Blessed are the poor in spirit, for
theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for
they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will
inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and
thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they
will receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for
they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for
they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted
for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.’
John 15:9-17
As the Father has loved me, so have
I loved you. Now remain in my love.
If you obey my commands, you will
remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his
love.
I have told you this so that my joy
may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
My command is this: Love each other
as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this,
that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I
command.
I no longer call you servants,
because a servant does not know his master's business.
Instead, I have called you friends, for
everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
You did not choose me, but I chose
you and appointed you to go and bear fruit-fruit that will last.
Then the Father will give you
whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other.
Ephesians
5:21-31
Submit to
one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church,
his body, of which he is the Saviour.
Now as the
church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in
everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up
for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the
word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or
wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He
who loves his wife loves himself.
After
all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as
Christ does the church -- for we are members of his body.
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his
wife, and the two will become one flesh."
Or
any other Bible reading you like and can persuade us to accept.
I
strongly recommend that you have some form of sheet.
I
can provide a simple sheet with the minimum of words for the congregation who
will then also need a hymn book.
Please,
please, please, do not print your service sheets until you’ve cleared them with
the minister.
Service
sheets do not need to be elaborate. The
cheapest option is to use photocopied sheets, (I can arrange this for a low
charge using the church copy printer). You
may want to use light card and most copiers can cope with this.
At
a minimum the service sheet needs to have:
An order of service, The Lord’s prayer,
The words of the hymns, the congregation’s declaration
This
will usually occupy two sides of a sheet of A4. Other pieces can be added as you wish – the full service would
take up a mini booklet though some couples like to have this as a memento.
If
you would like copies of the text files please ask me; I can provide them on
disk, by e-mail or on paper. I have
some hymns on file; you will have to borrow a hymn book and type the others out
yourself – if you do I’d appreciate a copy of the file so I can add to my
library. We do have a copyright license
– if you are using a modern hymn please check with me and I will tell you what
you need to put on the sheet.
A
typical service sheet follows:
Traditional Form of the Lord’s Prayer
Our Father, who art in
heaven, hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come; thy will be done; on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.
Modern Form of the
Lord’s Prayer
Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
Your kingdom come, your will
be done, on earth as in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours now and for ever. Amen.